Saturday, November 2, 2013

My divorce put too much passive in my life.  Insane amounts.

I have always tuned out when I couldn't cope with something, and admittedly, I have lousy coping skills.  I'm a lot like my dad who couldn't handle stress at all.  I have a mother who... Lord.  I just can't even go there.  Since I left my soon-to-be-ex, I've not been able to find decent work and I'm in a horrific bind because I haven't any child care where I am.  I haven't been able to get a job interview since the end of my last job, which was a miserable gig waiting tables at a restaurant where I'd make $25 and pay the babysitter $18.

My mom has been helping me out;  paying the rent, and now I am headed this weekend to Virginia to get everything I had to leave behind.  The end of my marriage was sudden, it seemed to happen in a matter of weeks but in retrospect, I see that it happened over a matter of forever:  he was always the person who flew by the seat of his pants with his hand out to my mother.  He never availed and never moved forward.

Today I talked with my mother who tells me she's clinically depressed and just can't take the strain of supporting me any more.  I'm currently working on a movie deal (with a set amount of pay in mind) and I'm also working for a great client out of Texas for whom I do media management.  I get the occasional job on Fiverr that leads to a bit more cash and I do a lot of reading about new media and managing Twitter feeds, etc.  I start next week looking in earnest again for a writing job--some sort of content gig--that will help me feel a bit more free.  I do not like having to depend on anyone for money, and my mother is laying pressure on me to move in with my boyfriend.

I don't like that.  She's been doing it for months and it makes things difficult.  He and I have other considerations--like the fact that both of our divorces are not final and that's complicated.I'm growing very sick of every bit of my situation.  I feel beat over in every single way possible.

All I'd like out of life is to show up to a small job every day, do it, and go home.  I'd like my child to be cared for and not have to go over to the babysitter who constantly yells at her grandkids and nitpicks my child.  I'd like to scream a long, long time and not have anyone complain or worry about it.

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