There are those days when--looking for a job--I feel as black as one can get. My best friend Jeanie--who I talk to every Monday through Friday--says that my canoe changes direction to quickly. Max Lucado says "It's all part of a new curriculum God has for you" vis a vis Joesph in the pit. (My question is was he sold into pre-dynastic Egypt, or was it a legit Pharaoh?) I like Max--he's an extremely good writer. (He wouldn't use eight dashes in three sentences--more than likely. Ten. Sorry). But I look at him and wonder what tragedy he has known. He speaks of "you might not have wanted single parenthood thrust on you."
I'm normally funny. If you stumble upon this blog and this is your first experience reading, come back. There's rich soil here, I promise. But I'm having one of those days where I just can't seem to pierce the dark.
Here's the dark: seventeen months ago I got a call from my soon-to-be-ex-husband. We were moving to Richmond. It was The Answer. According to him, our struggles were over. I whipped up my trademark enthusiasm talking up how great it was going to be to friends. I got excited about the prospect of rowing, among other things... being in a college town, blah blah blah...
But I kept asking him questions.
"If this is such a lucrative job, why is the gal in the position leaving?"
"She's starting her own business." He replied.
"In this economy?" I was puzzled. "Who starts a business in this economy when they're pulling six figures?"
He brushed me off.
It just didn't make sense. And as the move approached, he had to go away for training. While he was away, I realized that despite everything that he had told me over the years--that I was a spendthrift, that I was wasteful--that I balanced our budget, got everything paid, and bought detergent and milk without having to feel guilty. Why--thought I--am I answering to anyone for buying sundries? I realized that every time he asked me a question I flinched. My judgement was always being questioned and he only talked to me about money. It was always money. I had given up buying groceries for the past year or two because I just couldn't take the grief I would get at home about money. I was once chewed out for spending $16 at the Goodwill on clothes. Meanwhile, I was making as much money as he ever did within a year of getting out of school. He said that I was lazy to go back to college but he didn't mind my student loans supporting us. I stare down that debt alone.
So after a year and a half of being on my own in a place that doesn't have any work (I'm either underqualified to be a secretary because of lack of experience or no one knows what to do with a woman who has done nothing but write. All that's on my horizon is underpaid minimum wage jobs that I can't take because of child care issues). And I can't apply to many jobs--including Micheal's Craft Stores--because I can't pass the credit check due to his having written bad checks on our joint account.
So I'm at a loss, and asking for help. It's not enough to be smart or talented in this world, or to have a college degree. But it is important to be loved, and I am that.